Turok: The Adventurer (Satire) (by the Turok Forums community)
Long backstory short, a guy named turokJoe on the Turok Forums wanted to make a Turok story and i fucked it up to mess with him. Eventually, everyone joined in and he got pissed and left. It was fun. Anyways, here goes:
Turok Joe: This will be an ongoing story just make a post and In time we would have a Turok adventure. Try to stick to beginning middle and an end. We will start with issue one.
We can call this Turok the adventurer since all other names are copy righted.
Turok Joe: Early morning in the Lost Land Turok woke before Andar. Leaining over placing his hand over the fire he checked the viability of the fire of last night passed. " no heat" he murmured. he turned his head to the right and looked at his sleeping friend. Turok pulls the blankets up and decides to let him sleep. Turok silently stands up has a big stretch wile he looks the the sky and thanks the great spirit for a good safe night sleep.
Grabbing his bow and an arrow decides to surprise Andar with some fresh break fast. Turok slips into the forest. Arrow and bow in position for a quick shot.
Andar wakes atlast.
The day before was a very long day. Turok and Andar had stumbled into the territory of some Hissing honkers and barely made it out. They ran for a good long time before losing them. They both went to bed hungry so this morning Andar was famished. "Turoks gone" he said to himself he must be getting breakfast. Andar decided to go look for some wood as the fire seamed to be out. Andar jumped out of bed grabbed his ax and headed into the bush to find some wood.
As he stepped from camp into the bush he instantly fell on his face.(sneezing) Turning over looking at his feet he cursed his moccasin lace. Apologising to the great spirit he picked him self up and dusted him self off. Weird he said to him self what is all this silver dust. Looking around realised he had fallen right in the middle of a weird flower patch. Being very small he picked one of the flowers and brought it closer to his eyes so he could see them more closely. They were covered by some silver dust or pollen they were absolutely amazing. Little cone trumpet things. Pink and blue in color. Just then he hurd a scurrying sound coming from behind him. Turning quickly he spotted a herd of micro honkers. Tossing his ax he missed. Dam Ill have to leave breakfast to Turok. His ax had sunk deep into a chunk of perfect fire wood so he hauled both back to camp. Haaaachoooo. He sneezed so big his eyes almost popped out of his head. He sat down.
Meanwhile Turok is silently stalking for food in the rich jungles. He stumbles upon a cave he has never seen. Turok thinks to himself "how have I never noticed this cave". He draws his tomahawk axe and heads inside while staying aware of every sound.
Shortly after, Turok realised that the Big Kahuna burger he ordered was too much for him to handle and he blew ass all over the place. The entire cave was painted in chunky liquid nutella coloured shit and the smell soon attracted the attention of nearby critters. "Oh god, never again" said Turok before blowing another projectile diahrea load which than proceeded to hit and kill a pteranodon. As the pteranodon fell down, Turok screamed for help. About 5 hours later, Andar found Turok in the cave, covered in shit, blood, sweat and tears, thin as a feather, stiff as a board. "Help me..." He said. "End my suffering..." Andar said NOPE, turned back and walked away. Turok was never seen again.
Some say the shit formed into the tramp known as Joshua Fireseed, others say it stains the cave to this day. I personally dont give a single fuck so excuse me, its time for my Peanut M&M's. Good night children!
TurokJoe: Wow this went well I give a great start to something fun and you shit all over it literally. Good work.
Rok: The story was pretty funny xD The legends of stained cave lol. but yeah uncalled for. i'm sure Duke will remove it. So just get a little laugh out of it for now :p
Dinomite and co:
Fine... Turok can stay alive.
Turok returns, exhausted and ashamed to the camp. He tries to sneak to their Tipi in order to change his clothes. As he puts on his new pants, Andar comes in to ask if Turok brought anything to eat. "Yeah a bit of Pteranodon meat. Hey, it's better than nothing and im starving." He said with a fake smile. "PHEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEW, Did a Leaper die in here?!" Andar replies. "Hmm i dont know. Maybe the meat has gone spoiled." Turok says while holding the dirty shit clothes behind his back. "This quickly? Nah. Tell you what, how about you gO-HAAAAAACHOO find something for us to drink while i figure out where this awful stench is coming from." said Andar. Without a hesitation, Turok runs out of the Tipi like a bat out of hell to find a lake. "Phew that was close" he said. *Snap!* *Crackle!* *Pop!* He heard some sounds in the bushes. He grabs his knife and waits for he/she/it to come out.
To Turoks surprise, the horror jumped out of the bushes. It was... Samuel L. Jackson! Turok just stood there and stared.
"Yo ass is mine, mothafucka!" Samuel shouts. Turok quickly runs away back to safety, knowing he doesnt stand a chance against the Samuel Experience™.
Later on he returns to camp, only to be horrified by Samuels presence. "How did you get here so quickly?" Turok asks. "What you gonna do, mothafucka?! What you gonna DO?!" Samuel says as he throws an F bomb at Turok. Luckily for him, he avoids the bomb and takes cover. Andar comes back to the camp and sees Samuel standing there, half naked, ready for action. So Andar says "SIR! SIR! SIR! I am really importantly busy! Can you tell me where the shit is?" Samuel says "Its in mah ass, mothafucka!" Andar replies "Well open your ass and give me it than!" Samuel: 'What you want my shit fo, mothafucka! Why you want my shit?" Andar said "I want the shit of everyone, so i can put it in my collection!"
Samuel starts walking towards Andar. Andar thinks to himself "This guy comes up to me... Theres ALWAYS that guy coming up to me! WHY DO GUYS ALWAYS GOTTA COME UP TO ME?! I'll go up to HIM!" And he says "YOU AINT COMING UP TO ME, MOTHERFUCKER! IM COMIN UP TO YOU!" Samuel says "Oh yeah? We'll see about that! How about a race?!"
Andar says "I dont race, mothafucka! Unless its a race in time!" Samuel thinks hes a bad motherfucker. "Ok than, i'll race you to the next second!"
Andar shakes his head in dissapointment. "How about we make it interesting? How about i race you to 10 minutes from now?" Hmm... Samuel considers. "Sounds like you got alot of balls, buster!" Andar says "I got alot of balls? I got fucking HUNDREDS OF THEM! But i aint got shit, and thats what i want." Samuel started becoming nervous... "Well you aint having my shit, mothafucka!" Andar smirked. "Oh yeah? We'll see! We'll see! In 10 minutes time, when i beat you in the race, OH YEAH! Im getting your SHIT!"
So time passes by and Andar does indeed win the race. Hooray! "I dont need to take a dump yet." Samuel mumbles. Andar gets annoyed. "OOOOOH OH So the old "I dont need to take a dump" excuse! Thats an old excuse, that is! But i'll give you it, its one of my favourites!"
We have never heard from turokJoe again.